Very many years ago, I ran full tilt into an invisible wall. Not all that surprising, what with me working well over 70 hours a week and combining this with four children, a large home and garden and running a daycare centre (for said kids) I’ve always worked a lot, but after changing jobs I ended up in an environment where it was impossible to deliver according to expectations—for the simple reasons that the two 50% owners were totally unaligned in what they wanted for the company. If I made one of them happy, the other was pissed off, and vice-versa.
I stressed. I drowned in feelings of inadequacy. My days became longer and longer, and then one evening it all came crashing down. I was alone at home with our four kids and the youngest spilled out a glass of milk—not all that surprising as he was only two. I went ballistic. To this day, I have no memory of the following ten minutes, but when I finally emerged from my rage, my four kids were cowering in a corner and there was not one whole plate, one whole glass or one whole chair in the kitchen. Shame does not quite cover what I felt…
The next morning, I went to the doctor.
Over the coming months, I slowly reassembled myself. The first few weeks, I couldn’t read, because the moment I turned the page, I’d forgotten what was on the previous one. I couldn’t watch a movie—it was impossible to remember who was who and what the plot was. One day, I broke down in tears because I had put ten potatoes in the sink but couldn’t for the life of me remember what I was supposed to do with them. I felt utterly inadequate, a total waste of space.
It’s a scary situation to be in—especially when you’re used to being in total control. All my to-do lists were in my head, I knew all important phone numbers by heart, I never needed to use a calendar as I remembered all my meetings anyway. Until I didn’t. There were days when I worried I would never be able to perform again—and performing was so important to me as I valued myself not on who I was but what I did.
I did come back from all this. I applied various coping mechanisms to better manage my day, and one morning, six years after I blew my top in our kitchen, I actually sang as I made breakfast. I always used to sing more or less constantly, but for years and years I did not quite have the energy to do so.
So why am I sharing all this with you? Maybe because I think it is something all of us need to keep an eye out for, if not in ourselves in people we work or live with. Also, these last few weeks I have had far too many sleepless nights, anxiety creeping in as I worry that I haven’t delivered as I should.
Intellectually, I know that isn’t the case. Emotionally, not so much. It is still the case that I very much define myself based on what I do—ridiculous, one should think, given that I am over sixty. But deep inside there is still a very young Anna who isn’t one hundred percent certain people love me for who I am—I’m thinking she will never quite fade away.
Wow: wasn’t that a chirpy message from yours truly? But life very often is anything but chirpy, and all of us have days or periods when life overwhelms us. It is okay to have them, even more okay to put ourselves first during those periods.
For me, putting myself first usually involves reading—or writing. If the same applies to you, I am happy to offer you all the opportunity for some summer giveaways, this time from my acclaimed and best-selling The Graham Saga.
Want a book? Send me an email and tell me why you feel you need a few hours of escapism. Is it because summer is your favourite reading period? Or are you landing after a busy period, be it personal or professional? Do you simply want something new to read? Throw your name in the hat for one of FIVE books
Some final notes:
Should you be Tudor era fantast, I strongly recommend you to discover Tony Riches. The first book I read by him was set in the reign of Henry VI, and a sad and inept king he was… Then came his book about Own Tudor, grandfather of Henry VII and mostly famous for having married Henry V’s widow on the sly. Since then, he has written a whole series of books about people in the Tudor era—my personal favourite is Katherine, Tudor Duchess, about Katherine Willoghby who became the Duchess of Suffolk after her marriage to Charles Brandon. Engrossing and easy to read, Tony also offers a lot of insight into the political quagmire that the Tudor era was.
Finally, just look at this absolutely glorious review of Queen of Shadows by none other than Sharon Bennett Connolly, acclaimed non-fiction writer of many, many books centred on the women in history. Anna does it again! she writes, and I blush and do a rather weird happy dance.
And so, dear peeps, this little newsletter comes to an end. I hope you all have the opportunity to enjoy some lazy days—in heat that isn’t as devastating as the recent heatwave over Europe. I wish you happy hours in a hammock, preferably with a good book or two! Don’t forget to enter the giveaway!
Until next time,
Anna
I suppose in some way, we’ve all been there.
But it’s a wake-up call to approach life in a softer way. Why do we need to race around achieving this, doing that, when outside the door is a natural world that is balm of the best kind and to be frank is far more meaningful? Seriously, I can be humbled by a dandelion these days, or a tiny piece of moss. I would rather make eye contact with a dolphin or a sea eagle or my dog, than people half the time.
It would be naive of me not to realise there are societal pressures on us all, surviving to eat and eating to survive, but sometimes it pays to step back and really examine what’s important. IMO anyway…
Breaking free of the hamster wheel is hard. And yes, I think many of us have been there, some repeatedly, because it is difficult to learn to listen to your body when, as you say, we cram so much into our lives. As to nature, yes, it can soothe the most restless soul–but it takes time